Hold up, wait did you all hear sum’n?
Is it true we’re gonna die from a Chinese gun?
Pozzed up with some kind of bat soup cum?
I’m not ready to die yet, I’m still so young
No fun, now look what you’ve done
I’m just trying to sh#t so why you harshing my buzz?
I got one roll left and then I’m out of luck
And I’ll then have to start trying to waffle stomp
Shit, wait, what did he just say?
A hundred million new cases every day?
And no cure, no hope and all we got is faith?
So get inside and hide and pray it all away?
Well that’s gay but what choice can I make?
I got two fat sh#ts sitting on my plate
I either stay in place and go slowly insane
Or take a chance outsidе and get Asian AIDS
God damn, Chang, why you gotta be like this?
I thought wе were tight, I was the white to your rice, sh#t
You’re making me rethink the price of friendship
Got all this tension, no happy ending?
I swear the test kit you sent was empty
I’m betting you never thought I would bother to check it
Don’t tell me I’m crazy Chang, don’t tempt me
I’m fretting and sweating and getting a light head, please
I’m trying to breathe but I can’t find the breeze
My fever starting to climb above the high 90’s
And I’m spiraling, is it finally
Now my time to leave and go quietly?
f#ck that, no bat’s ever gonna stop me
And no mere cough’s ever gonna drop me
Oh f#ck, help, Chang, the cough has got me!
Chang help please!
First light and the bag is on my mind
Clear head and my eyes are on the prize
Don’t wait, too late, gotta cut the line
No chance, it’s the man: Access Denied
Head back, prep for another attack
Hit ’em hard, hit ’em fast, hold nothing back
No mercy, take everything they have
Hey Miss, your sh#t, put it in the bag
Let’s split, bail with the bag equipped
No trace in the place, left not a drip
The prize zip locked tight, safe on my hip
I dive headfirst back into the whip
Job done, end of another run
Watcha get? Spill it out, count up the sum
One roll? That’s it, now our time has come
And I feel despair filling up my lungs
Move b#tch! You don’t want this
I got a syringe of bleach and I’ll use it
So get your hands off the bag if you wanna live
I’m crazy, lady, don’t test me
Maintain distance of fifty feet
Back up please ’cause I just can’t breath
Hey this dude got no mask
You freak! Man, don’t you know we’re all diseased?
Who coughed? Someone please call the cops!
We gotta put a stop to this liberty stuff
You know China had an idea, we should wall you up
We’re just trying to save lives at any cost
God damn, no freedom, that gets me off
And no boot will ever be clean enough
Hey Officer, can I suck your cock?
‘Cause I don’t ever want this lock down to stop
Coronavirus seems likes the perfect storm
Reports that it can affect fertility
And cause men not to be able to reproduce
Wow, so it can trick tests
It incubates for months
You can be asymptomatic and infect people
It’ll destroy your lungs
And if you survive it, it’ll give you a heart attack
And if you survive that…
Can we make it worse? Oh I think we can
It’s gonna render you infertile
That doesn’t sound like the f#cking cold to me
That doesn’t sound like any disease I’ve ever heard of
I think we got a f#cking problem here
Maybe that’s why they locked down half their country
Maybe that’s why one tenth of humanity is in lockdown right now
Good Evening and welcome to the news.fun coronavirus update
I’m Dick Zuckerman, bringing you the latest on this totally f#cked
Nightmare pandemic
In response to recent independent inquiries
Into the origins of the virus
“What Virus?”
President Jinping could not be reached for comment
However, his interior ministry has strenuously denied reports
That he was quote “Stuck in a rabbit hole”
Although the CCP has thus far remained tight lipped
As to the origins of the virus
We turn now to Chinese Ambassador Chang for and official statement of sympathies…
Ohh! Mr. Round Eye Gweilo
Want a Number 4 bat soup bowl with a large fry-ry, no?
Want a pizza, want a burger, want a ventilator too?
Here bomb, f#ck you boy!
China number one! You American dumb
Got a hundred million mask from you fat man Trump
Very good man Mr. Jinping, very smart
Make the virus go away, make the death rate none
Ohh! Mr. Pig-face burnt rice
Wanna buy a test kit? You get very good price
100K bulk, buy now, give the money
Good customer, you get the virus for free
China very strong and America wrong
Super Power no match, very no Taiwan
Pig dog butter face, get no won ton
You lose now small dick, China won!
You don’t want no trouble, make a double order real quick
You sick ghost pig, don’t wait for this
You better buy and tip, Five star review
No four, it’s bad luck, No good, f#ck you!
Eating finger lickin’ fetus, lock you in a prison
Never seen again if you say bad thing
Winnie the Who? Tiananmen Where?
Mouth zipped so tight, call me zipperhead
Spitting on your chicken, never missing
I no listen politicians when they say “that’s bad”, f#ck that
I’m Chinaman and now this my land
You die, no children, broken branch
China no sick now streets are empty
Baby smile and Grandma so happy
Curve so flat like Ms. China booty
You no like China virus? Sue me!
Locked up tight, intubated
I lie here dying, lungs are failing
My friends and family came to pay
Their respects before I pass away
And although I’ll likely die in pain
Begging for relief all night and day
Screaming ’til you can no longer take it
At least they’ll never call me racist
It’s amazing, Zero cases
After 80K, Nothing shady
China really is the greatest
Everybody sing their praises
Did they pay me just to say this?
‘Course they didn’t, don’t be crazy
By the way let me just say
That Taiwan ain’t a real place
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