After i have suffered enough, you see
Because we are brought up in a social scheme whereby we have to deserve what we get
(yeah) the price that one pays for all good things is suffering
(i coulda died first) but all of that is precisely postponement
(i shoulda, i coulda) because one is afraid
Ok i’m filtering my search
Tryna research how this lightwork
Laughing at the pain until my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
I could’ve died first
Yeah i’m filtering my search
Laughing at the pain till my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
How does this lightwork
Guilty i survived even tho i’ve survived worse
Sometimes think i’ve lost every reason
Sometimes i’m feeling lost barely breathing
Yeah we discover loss every season
Then rediscover loss every weekend
Scooped up tossed in the deep end
Sink or swim always been a thing i’m a beast in
Deca wisdom sustenance to sink teeth in
Lately tryna find a new arena to compete in
Blinded by the light i don’t see sin
Stare into the rising sun on the east end
Magic city in the mountains that’s where we been
Yeah check the pretense nah i don’t pretend
We all return to dirt let it sink in
Turn to compost tryna see zen
But we never spoil i believe in
A well-fertilized soil fit to plant seeds in
Ok i’m filtering my search
Tryna research how this lightwork
Laughing at the pain until my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
I could’ve died first
Yeah i’m filtering my search
Laughing at the pain till my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
How does this lightwork
Guilty i survived even tho-
Thinking of ways to relay what i see when i sleep
I used to dream but the waves of regret hit me deep
Ptsd from the things that i saw at 15
Anxiety from the pressure that all of it brings
Seeing a friend pass away it can induce a scream
Or in my case make me wish that it would’ve been me
Ten feet away heard the shots as they let it all ring
And it’s been years and i’m processing (processing)
Processin- wait, reboot, my brain crashed again
Woke up at 3 am, pen still in my hand
Tryna write or cry it out, try to fight my doubts about the bouts
I try to use to right my route from depression and second-guessing goals before i laugh out loud
My coping mechanism is to flip a switch
Although i survived suicide
God gotta do some work in me
So i’m screaming l1tework until i figure out his circuitry
I’m…not…ok
Ok i’m filtering my search
Tryna research how this lightwork
Laughing at the pain until my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
I could’ve died first
Yeah i’m filtering my search
Laughing at the pain till my side hurt
Like i should’ve died first
How does this lightwork
Guilty i survived even tho i’ve survived worse
Well uh…i uh…i uh…wasn’t aware
Because music, can make me feel things in my body
I feel like time is just moving too quickly
I feel a draft and i wonder if she in the room with me
I’m thinking which one of us is in a deeper slumber
Up all night tryna adjust the sleep number
I’m bent outta shape but tend to keep a straight face
Deep hurt got me in a staring contest with god to see who blinks first
Shoulda put my life on the line and been her mink fur
Cold world and darker
I’m seeing things different what-ifs done flood my brain
Now i’m changing lanes whipping that thang like dr. strange
Y’all know that’s where my thoughts collect
And when these walls connect
The gates close with that padlock and chain
Now i’m hoping i can drive home peacefully
Look in the mirror and she in the back seat with me
I think we gotta stop meeting like this
Till we see each other again searching for ways to grieve it like this
If you had the nerve, real nerve, you would see it right away
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Nerves Baddington Lyrics – Survivor’s guilt